And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true,? Sure is, Patrick. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? Thats right, said the lawyer.But why are you asking? Well, I was thinkin . Youre on my side!. "Why? The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?. Ive put the little b*stard in our garden. Whats the difference between God and Bono? Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? "Oh no," replies the Irishman. The chief answered The last Irishman are all the potatoes in the pot!. Pat. She replies: Oh, Father, Ive terrible news. They all go. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway. Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patients wife.Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. If you like these Irish jokes then how about some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? ", Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. 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God doesnt wander around Dublin thinking hes, A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. Howaya! So, whats deemed funny can be pretty subjective i.e. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb!, The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. Because theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. Whats the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? If you thought Valentines Day was the only holiday with kissing, then you havent met an Irish Woman yet! ir local pubs weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. I think Ill go back to using paper.. An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. Science is always a barrel of laughs. He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. Its your water tank. What happened to you? asks, the bartender. According to scientists at Oxford University, these are the 10 funniest jokes you will ever hear, so get ready to laugh. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him 500.00. Oh dont tell me that, did he at least go quickly?, Paddy shakes his head. Why are you laughing? No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. Father, forgive me. Please tell me it was quick? A Paddy-long-legs. (Sister Matic). The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.". Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. We Irish are known for being a great laugh. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. Oh yes it is, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, Tree + Tree + Tree make nine! The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. Did you hear about the Irishman who took his car for its first service? what I think is gas, you might think is crap. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure., The elderly woman did so with a little smile. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. ", Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance.". It wasnt. "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy. Hes done it again!. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. You were diddled. FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! Share Tweet Whatsapp Pinterest Mail. If you enjoyed this post please pin the image below to your Pinterest board or share this on social media. Ive some bad news and some terrible news for you.. A Sexy Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Its better to spill a couple of ounces of. One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. ", The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. It's no secret that we Irish are famous for our sense of humour. A Gardas driving down OConnell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a big blog post. Madam asked: 'Boy, what is your problem?' Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Share Tweet Whatsapp Pinterest Mail. OCasey says hell go & he knows just what to say. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! The man was evidently offended and responded, The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume Im Irish. The Irish Post delivers all the latest Irish news to our online audience around the globe. An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. Which is your favourite and do you have any other Paddy jokes? (NSFW) Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. Hes done it again!. One man even leaves. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. The pedestrians crossed ages ago whens it time for the Catholics?!. !, Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfastfor a bit of skydiving, Late Sundayevening he was found in a tree by a. farmer, What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said thefarmer if you had asked the localsbefore you jumped, they would havetold you nothing opens here on aSunday. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river. So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a big blog post. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass? Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. "Lord," he prayed. Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon?. He pulls aside the curtain, walks inside and sits down. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?". Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. Ive tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone. Did he have any last requests? Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. What are you selling?". When it comes to telling jokes, no one does it quite like the Irish. Paddy says: Are you on foot or in the car?. Da has a bottle buried in his sock drawer. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?.